Approximately 3.5 million people in the UK struggle to conceive. Just let that sink in for a minute.

This means that one in eight women and one in ten men in the UK have experienced infertility or are struggling to get pregnant. So why do we still have such difficulty speaking openly about fertility?

It is completely understandable that some want to keep these personal and often painful stories to themselves, but for many, it is thanks to hearing other brave women’s stories, reading their articles and interviews, following them on social media, or listening to a podcast – hearing them talk openly about their struggles with infertility, IVF (In vitro fertilization) and pregnancy loss, that has gotten them through the hardest parts.

It doesn’t matter what stage of your journey you’re at, whether you are simply considering your options, feeling overwhelmed by all the medical terminology, or have started IVF, it can help to read another person’s story.

We had the privilege of meeting an amazing mother and Cinemama, Denise Hanrahan who tells about her experience of becoming a mother for the first time through IVF.

Irish-born Denise has been living in London since her twenties. She started out in the industry working for the BBC; after doing an MA in Producing Film & TV, she broke into film, where she has been working as a freelance Production Coordinator. Proud mother to 18-month baby boy, Rua, Denise has been trying to figure out how to achieve a healthy work/life balance as a new parent, along with her freelance career and training to become an Amatsu practitioner.

1. Can you explain what your journey into motherhood was like?

A total shit show! (Can I say that?)

Honestly, though, that is my feeling. Nothing prepares you for the grenade going off in your life that is having a baby. Especially when you’ve been through fertility treatment and there can be pressure that you should love every moment and all that nonsense. The first 10 weeks were beyond tough and then we were lucky enough to be able to get a night nanny for a little bit and she saved us all. It really was like Mary Poppins landing into the house to sort everything out.

If any future parents out there have any spare cash to put towards anything postpartum - spend it on a night nanny or postpartum doula. Don’t go on a babymoon - put the cash towards humans who will come to the house and help. you will need all the help you can get.

2. How long had you been trying to conceive naturally before you began fertility treatment?

For over a year before we began looking into things. In the back of my mind, I think I always knew I’d end up needing some sort of fertility treatment so we got blood tests etc rolling pretty early on.

3. What did you know about IVF and other fertility options before you embarked down this road?

Not very much. I knew the success rates were not high so we were very realistic from the start.

Initially, I resisted doing too much research and going down a rabbit hole of obsession. We tried to be pretty chilled about it. I spoke to a friend who had had IVF and looked into a couple of clinics she mentioned. Then picked one and went for a consultation there. The whole thing is eye-wateringly expensive so you have to bond with that pretty quickly - smoke will be coming out of your credit card. And as I was over 40, we had no choice but to go private.

We did our first round at a clinic in London, ARGC - it’s known for being a bit of an IVF boot camp. It’s very intense and you have blood tests done daily and a scan every other day. I was injecting myself about five times a day - lots and lots of needles.

It was emotionally and physically very difficult. Much more so than either myself or my partner thought it would be. Then after all that toil you just get a quick call to say the blood test was negative. You feel really bereft. You’ve spent ALL that money and then… nothing.

After that, we took a few months off and I went down my research rabbit hole. I looked into what recommended for our specific circumstances and discovered the protocol I’d been on the first time around maybe wasn’t the right one for me. So I came across a consultant in Athens that matched what I thought would be right for my body. I was also doing acupuncture, lots of supplements, detoxing our lives of plastics, chemicals, etc. Who knows if that made any difference but you felt like you were doing something.

4. What helped you get through any difficult moments?

Podcasts and Instagram really helped - not something that had occurred to me to use at all before we started. I realised there is a huge TCC (Trying to Conceive) infertility community out there which you can tap into.

Also knowing myself and my partner were in this together, there was no shame or blame on any side. We’d be okay whatever the outcome was going to be. We’re also very aware that in the world of IVF and infertility, we’ve had a pretty easy ride - just two rounds and one baby. That’s a very good outcome.

5. This can often be a challenging and painful experience so hearing others share their stories, can be incredibly helpful. Do you think there is stigma around talking about infertility?

We didn’t encounter much stigma and were both very open about what we were going through. I would say overall there is more of a stigma with regards to men - both talking about it generally and discussing male infertility specifically. It’s often presumed the issue is with the women but more and more there is a male factor involved.

Also, there can sometimes be a bit of cluelessness from those who have never had any issues. Which is understandable if it’s not something you’ve encountered. But if someone you know is struggling with infertility, have compassion and definitely don’t tell them to just relax.

It’s tough on all levels and statistically, you can go through it all for nothing. We had about a 6% chance of a live birth - that’s a miracle really.

Infertility covers such a broad spectrum - each individual or couples’ case is unique to them. There is so much that can go wrong.

6. Do you think there should be more fertility awareness or support available in the workplace? And given how much industry mothers struggle, how do you think we can offer/get better support?

Definitely. I was very fortunate and was able to step away from work while we were going through IVF as there was no way I could deal with work pressure and trying to make a baby pressure. If you’re going through IVF you need compassion and understanding and flexible time off.

7. I found solace in reading articles and interviews, listening to podcasts, following stories on social media. Why do you think it's so important for us to share our stories?

Absolutely, you realise how many individuals/couples are affected by infertility and in so many different ways. You can see you’re not alone. Plus, you learn so much by seeing what others go through - if I hadn’t listened to a particular podcast called the Big Fat Negative, I wouldn’t have found our lovely consultant and Rua wouldn’t be here. I truly believe that.

8. Was there anything, in particular, you wish you'd known?

That’s such a hard question really but I do wish I’m spent more time, in the beginning, accepting this is going to happen and researching the life out of it. I don’t think we’d have picked that first clinic if I had or at least I’d have spent a couple of months preparing my body better and getting into the zone. Like everybody who does this, you hope you’ll do one quick round and it’ll work and it’ll all be grand.

9. Do you have any advice you would give to anyone embarking on their fertility journey?

Where do I start! Be kind to yourself. It’s really really difficult. It’s probably going to be really expensive and it might not work. But always remain hopeful.

Trust your gut - IVF is a business and you might not need the x, y, z they are selling you. Do your research, ask all the questions, and then roll the dice

Denise recommends listening to:

Matt and Doree’s eggcellent adventure

https://eggcellentadventure.com

The Big Fat Negative

https://www.bigfatnegative.com

Instagram @Denise_hanrahan