Have you noticed we’re in the middle of a pandemic?
Jude Spencer
I’d imagine so, it’s been kind of hard to miss but have you noticed how you’re treating yourself during these turbulent times? Perhaps not.
Maybe you’re beating yourself up for not doing Joe Wicks every morning, for making chicken nuggets and chips for dinner, for the house being a mess, for not having got through half of the homeschooling you’ve been set. Maybe you’re feeling bad for not having done the latest Screenskills masterclass or for struggling to string a sentence together during a work zoom meeting or for not putting yourself forward to volunteer for the NHS.
So I remind you, gently, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Just getting through the day is enough.
I’d like to share some things that are helping some parents do just that.
1. MANAGE EXPECTATIONS
These bad boys need managing. Expectations, much like dirty nappies, have a tendency to multiply and stink up the place. Take a moment to write down what you’re expecting from yourself today? Is it achievable? How do you feel at the end of the day? (Are your answers along the lines of TOO MUCH, NO and LIKE ONE OF THOSE STINKY NAPPIES?)
Stop.
Focus on what is working and change your expectations for tomorrow. Keep fine tuning it until you find a balance that works well enough.
2. DITCH THE COMPARISONS
We spend our lives comparing ourselves to each other (particularly women) so it’s inevitable when we reach parenthood that ramps up. But what does being a good parent actually look like? Social media is filled with idyllic representations of parents seemingly ‘doing it all’. But the reality is likely very different. The reality is that every child is different, every parent is different and every situation is different, so how helpful and healthy is that comparison in reality? The best comparison we can make is with ourselves - where were we last week? What have we improved since then? What have we learned since this began?
Remind yourself this is a stressful situation, not the parent olympics
3. BE GOOD ENOUGH
Because perfection is unattainable and unsustainable. Expect failure. None of us have been in this situation like this before. How can we expect ourselves to nail this first time? Disappointment, failure, mistakes - these are all part of life's tapestry which children need to experience and learn from in order to build resilience. Is there another way of viewing the story you're telling yourself? Is not being able to give your children 100% of your attention an opportunity for imaginative creative play and independence? Is your mistake really a big deal? Avoiding failure, at any time but particularly in this unusual situation, isn’t possible so learn to embrace it and give yourself room to test out what does and doesn’t work well for your family until you find something good enough. By allowing ourselves to learn from your failures and try again, we are encouraging a growth mindset in ourselves and our families.
4. BOOST YOUR SELF COMPASSION
We all find a reason to beat ourselves up, if we’re enjoying lockdown we’ll feel guilty, if we’re feeling low or anxious, we’ll chastise ourselves for feeling that way. Our brains are wired to have a negativity bias so we will naturally hold onto and focus on the negatives. It takes 3 positives to balance out 1 negative so it’s understandable that our inner dialogue has a tendency to be negative too. Be aware of that and make a real effort to notice the positives in every day, focusing on all the things you HAVE done. Take a moment and think about a time when you’ve had a bad day. What did you say to yourself? What was your tone? Would you speak like that to your best friend? Most likely not. Keep a check on that inner dialogue and start to build a relationship with yourself where you're your own best friend. Cause I bet you're pretty awesome.
5. TAKE 5 EVERY DAY
Plonk the kids in front of Hey Duggee and give yourself a break every day to do something just for you. Find those opportunities and build it into a routine that everyone in the house respects. Take a moment to simply focus on your breath. Breathe in deeply, (ensuring your stomach expands) for 4 seconds, hold for 7 seconds and breathe out for 8 seconds. This engages the parasympathetic nervous system which slows our digestion, heart rate and relaxes our muscles to help rebalance our bodies and minds. And remember just getting through the day is enough.
Jude Spencer is an internationally accredited Mental Health First Aid Trainer, Resilience Trainer and Consultant working for clients such as National Film and TV School and Locksmith Animation to help improve mental health awareness in the industry and empower individuals and companies to support their own and each other's mental health better.
With over a decades worth of experience in the Film and TV industry, working for Broadcasters such as BBC as well as independent production companies, Jude understands the unique challenges and pressures that can come when working in the film and TV industry. Jude tailors her courses to address these specific challenges, making them relevant and bespoke to the companies and individuals she is training.