Mums Like Us — Cinemamas

Motherhood is a wonderful thing but it can also feel incredibly frightening. Like most people, we turn to books, articles, social media, and the internet for advice and research. What happens if you cannot find a space where stories like yours are being shared? Or if you can’t see any real representation of mothers, who like you, might living with a disability?

Mums Like Us is a network for disabled mothers which was founded in 2017 by mother of two Sally Darby.

We sat down with Sally to discuss the challenges of being a disabled mother and the importance of representation for disabled parenthood in the mainstream media. Mums Like Us is a supportive non-judgemental community for disabled mums to share advice and experiences.

Becoming a parent for the first time can feel really daunting, can you tell us what that experience was like for you?

I have MS and a severe visual impairment. Becoming a parent wasn’t a simple decision for me. I had, however, always wanted children. I was and still am, happily married and we decided to start a family in 2012. It is absolutely right to say that it is daunting, and I know this is the case for everyone. But going into parenthood when you are dealing with the challenges presented by disability adds something extra into the mix. Before and during my first pregnancy, my disability was largely invisible. However, when my eldest daughter was a few months old I had a significant MS relapse. The first since I had lost my vision in 2008. I now had quite visible symptoms; namely very poor balance and lack of physical strength. At that time I felt very isolated and very judged. I felt like the only disabled mother in the world. Obviously, I now know this is far from true but the lack of representation of disabled parenthood in the mainstream media and social media at the time made me feel very alone. I didn’t know anyone else who was experiencing new motherhood in the way I was and I lacked the confidence needed to try and change that. Despite having a wonderful family and great friends, I did find that time very daunting and very hard. Thankfully I was put on effective medication at the time that kept things stable for the next couple of years.

You talk about wanting to turn up the volume on conversations about disability, especially when it comes to talking about disabled mothers. What can we do to amplify that message?

I think there are two main things that need to be done to help disabled parents feel less marginalised. The first is representation. There are some amazing mums on Instagram now such as @nina_tame and @thatsinglemum. They are flagging up some of the issues faced by disabled people and specifically disabled mums. These women are also proving to anyone who sees them that disabled mothers are more than capable of excellent parenting. They create a community and help disabled parents feel seen. But they remain few and far between and largely hidden from the mainstream. Representation of disabled parents in mainstream media would, I think, make a big difference to how we are perceived and how we are able to view ourselves.

Secondly, disabled parents should be catered for by the parenting industry, and they are not. We should be able to buy cots a mum can reach into from her wheelchair or baby grows you can put on one-handed on the high street. Instead, mums often find themselves forced to spend over the odds for adapted equipment or seek charitable support. The access needs of disabled parents are frequently not considered by spaces designed for families such as playgroups, schools, and children’s centres.

The result of these issues is that many disabled parents are made to feel othered and excluded. I hope that in amplifying the voices of disabled parents, we can help make these issues and requirements known to those with the power to make a change.

Cinemamas is a community support group that was born out of feeling isolated, so we really understand the importance of peer support for mothers. Can you tell us what led you to create Mums like Us?

In 2017 I went to the Women of the World festival in The Southbank Centre. My youngest daughter was nearly one and I was yet to speak to a single other disabled parent. I was desperate for a sense of community. I was, by this time, using a walking stick all of the time. I was confident in my ability to parent but was still feeling isolated and judged. I went to a talk ran by the fantastic disabled women’s collective, Sisters of Frida. Some of the women on the panel talked about being mothers. I was so overwhelmed at hearing their stories. At the end of the talk, I asked them if they knew of any support groups or communities for disabled parents. Their answer, at that time, was no. I was desperately disappointed. Later that day I sat in the bar with my best friend and my sister. I felt like I couldn’t go home and carry on as before knowing that there must be other people looking for the same time of community I was yearning for. When I came home to Birmingham I started thinking more about how I could create a community. I spoke to my brilliant friend who is a signwriter and she designed the Mums Like Us logo. Then I started the Facebook group. The group now has over 900 disabled mums from all over the world. It is a supportive and non-judgemental community. It is everything I had wanted in my early days of motherhood.

Do you think that having Mums like Us has helped other mothers or parents living with a disability?

I see evidence that it has on the group all the time. Every time someone asks a question and gets replies helping and giving advice. I am very grateful that I also get messages now and again from people who tell me what a difference the group has made.

As mothers we are all just doing the best we can but often we end up feeling judged or scrutinised by society. How do you think this experience is heightened for disabled mothers?

Judgement, or fear of judgement, is one of the most talked-about topics on the Mums Like Use forum. Disabled mums encounter judgment and hostility from individuals and on a wider societal level, from a parenting mainstream that isn’t set up for them. Many of us, myself included, have had to battle our own internalised judgement.

How can we change people's perceptions of being a disabled parent?

Again I will come back to representation and awareness. The more the parenting world caters for disabled parents and their needs, the more we will see and value the world of disabled parents. It is far easier to hold prejudice when you cannot see or relate to those who you are prejudiced against. Unfortunately, I think there will always be people who believe disabled people shouldn’t have children but perceptions are slowly changing.

What has been your biggest success and why?

My instinct is to answer, my children. This might not be the most feminist or progressive answer. For me, though, having my babies was my dream. There was a time I didn’t think my body could do it. But it did. I am delighted with my body for what it did and what it continues to do in looking after them. But success suggests that the opposite is failure and I do not believe that in the case of having children that is true. So, my other success is the creation of Mums Like Us. I am very proud of it and I hope it will continue to be a support to disabled mums for many years to come.

What advice would you give to your younger self?

I was diagnosed with MS when I was 28. I felt like my world was falling in. I was devastated. I would tell that version of myself that MS will be with you forever. It will be cruel and hard and it will make you feel weak and sad. But that it will give you strength, resilience, empathy, and determination. You will be ok.

Just Keep Going.

If you’d like to hear more about Mums Like Us, head to their website or get in touch through their social channels:

Website: https://www.mumslikeus.org/

Instagram: @mums_like_us

Twitter: @mums_us

Facebook: @mumslikeusnetwork (Search ‘Mums Like Us - a network for disabled mothers’ for the group)